Can I Get A Side Of Dippin' Mayo?

What have you done, Colonel Sanders?

In a day in age when America is coming under fire for being the fattest country in the nation, many restaurants and fast food chains began advertising low-calorie menus aimed at helping active people lose weight.

Subway struck gold when Jared Fogle lost enough weight to create an entire new person.  A big one at that.  He credited all of his weight loss to eating almost exclusively at Subway, coupled with light exercise.

When Americans saw the before and after pictures of Jared (above), we saw a way to easily lose weight, something everybody wants to do, but nobody wants to work for.  Then more and more commercials.  There were others that got Jared's diet to work for them!  And lots of them at that.

Subway created a new way of eating that most Americans are unfamiliar with: healthy eating.  And if other fast food chains want to keep up, they've got to start offering healthy food too.

Other fast food chains have even followed suit.  Almost every major fast food chain added a variety of salads to their menus.  Granted, Wendy's offered one salad that was topped with chili, but it's not their only choice.

And even Taco Bell has a diet menu!  If the inventors of the "Cheesy Gordita Crunch" can bring you a taco under five grams of fat, surely you can.  Everybody got healthy do adapt to this changing climate.  We're going to get this nation in better shape!!

Keep in mind that the "we" in the previous sentence includes everybody but Kentucky Fried Chicken.

It's become unmistakably clear to me that if this country as a whole gets healthy and into shape, the first thing to go will be Kentucky Fried Chicken.  This is the company that countered Subway's "Fresh-Fit Subs with six grams of fat or less" with the "KFC Famous Bowl," an artery clogging mix-up of fried chicken and gravy that comes in at just 100 mg under the recommended daily sodium intake and half (32g) the recommended daily fat intake (recommendations courtesy of Netrition.com).

What's worse?  America loved these things.  They went faster than a fat kid eating...well...a bowl of mixed KFC stuff.  While many Americans started eating along healthier guidelines, apparently those who didn't headed over to Colonel Sanders' place for some fried cholesterol.

America loved them so much that KFC decided they needed to take it a step further:

And for the record, here's what it looks like when it's not in a KFC commercial.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen, the poster child for coronaries, the KFC Double Down!!!  Don't adjust your monitor.  You are seeing these disgusting creations correctly.  KFC decided to not go the traditional route and use bread, but rather two fried chicken breasts.

Now that's cutting edge.

The "sandwich" ingredients, you ask?  Two slices of bacon, two slices of cheese, and some new KFC original sauce (likely heavily mayonnaise-packed).

Now THAT's cutting off the flow of blood to the heart.

Again, good Colonel, what have you done?  Deep-fried Snickers are on the healthy side of this (and likely awesomely delicious).  Nutritionists would likely rather you eat a fried Twinkie wrapped with bacon.  Are you just laughing at what you can be legally allowed to serve the American public?

I remember when the thought of this was just a joke.



Unfortunately this has become a cruel reality.

Heart disease now has a spokesperson to help stop the hearts of America, and it comes with fried chicken instead of bread.  It's like when Michael Jordan handed out Nikes or when Dan Marino shlepped Isotoners.  Now this heart-attack-in-a-box is making America want more.  Just remember, if you find yourself wanting to indulge in unhealthiness at its worst, once again, this is what it looks like in real life:

It's The Russian Baby Exchange!!!

Have you seen the story about the Russian boy who was recently sent back by his adoptive mother?

It's really just terrible.  It's so sad it didn't work out.

Last September, seven-year-old Artyom Savelyev arrived in America eager to meet his new family.  He was adopted by a 33-year-old nurse named Torry Hansen.  She is single and already has a child.  Between last September and last Thursday apparently enough happened for Hansen to return the child to his home country.

That is truly sad.  With so many children looking for homes and so many deserving parents who can't conceive but still want children, it is quite upsetting to see an adoption not work out.  It really is sad once you think about it.

Oh wait...I didn't tell you about the truly sad part of this all.

This was all discovered when the seven-year-old showed up in a Moscow airport carrying only a note.

That's right.  Torry Hansen got fed up with her adopted child and simply sent him back like he's some sort of shitty Christmas present.  And she even had the audacity to attach a note.

Let's go ahead and go over everything that's wrong here.

After seven months of adoption, Hansen has already decided that she needn't raise the child any longer.  But surely she can exchange him for some kind of refund.

Listen up, you dumb-ass country bumpkin.  Even Sears won't take something back after three months.  You can't up and decide, "Oh well, I'm done with him.  Time to get a refund start the application to get an Asian baby in time for Fashion Week.  I hear they're back in style now.  Just look at Angelina."

And inscribed to the note attached to the child (not entirely sure if the note was attached to the boy or actually given to him to give to some other adult...either way is just as bad, it's just the former is much more hilarious) was a claim that the child was "mentally unstable" and made threats and screamed and cried.

Let me ask you something.  How is this different from being the parent of a newborn?  This is what you signed up for Torry.  Honestly, newborns scream and cry all the time.  And they don't have to speak to be able to threaten you.  "Daddy, if you don't hold me perfectly, I will cry all night, and mommy will be too stressed to give you any.  We have a deal?"

It's part of being a parent.  At some point in every kid's life, he/she is a shithead.  It's called rebellion.  It's part of growing up, but it sucks from your point of view.  You just have to get through it.

Plus, you're already a single parent of one.  Do you need that much more responsibility?

And then there's your adaptation of the child return policy.  Again, if you showed up at a Sears with a lawnmower you bought seven months before and left it on the front door, they will not take it back.  What makes you think this will work with a child?  It's not like getting someone else's mail.  There is no "Return To Sender" option when it is a living, breathing human being.

And you sent a seven-year-old overseas alone with a note attached to him.  After all, we all know nothing goes wrong on an airplane.  And seven-year-old boys just wandering through airports ALWAYS make it out safely.  Pedophiles don't exist.  Sure.

And where did you find this guy you paid $200 to pick up this boy from the airport?  Craigslist?  I hope that the child you originally had is taken away from you.  You are the worst kind of person.  It makes me sick to think that you were even awarded the privilege of child ownership, which you simply spat on.

I've joked that this isn't Sears, but surely there is some sort of process you can go through to give the boy back if you realize you are unable to properly take on this added responsibility.  At the very least, you can put him up for adoption.  They don't have a problem with the actual mother of the child doing it, so I'm sure it's cool if there's no blood relation.

This isn't the 1920s anymore.  You don't leave a kid on a doorstep with a note.  I hope you are thrown in the deepest depths of prison where every inmate is severely sodomized.

I Tried To Watch The Masters...

But I failed miserably.

Apparently The Masters is an event that I am just not meant to see.  I tried everything.  I went to ESPN, who has been pumping the hell out of the fact they've got live coverage of the first two rounds of the tournament.

What they have is Sportscenter.  They have a graphic in the top right corner that tells you Tiger's score.  And that's it.  We get to listen to Andy North tell us he couldn't ever stay focused while playing for more than four hours (I'm actually not being facetious...he really talked about that).

And then I remember that The Golf Channel exists.  I flip through the guide and see that "Live From The Masters" is on.  Hell yes.  I've found it.  Now I can watch the tournament.

Oh wait, it's just a group of people talking at The Masters.  Granted, it's not false advertising.  It is a television set with three people live at The Masters, but they're just sitting there talking.  Screw you Golf Channel.

I'm not going to lie: a big part of why I'm tuning in to The Masters is because I want to see how Tiger plays upon his return from his vow of chastity.  But the coverage doesn't have to be completely about him.

Tour veterans Fred Couples and Tom Watson found themselves in first and second, respectively, after the first round.  I am a huge Freddy "Boom Boom" Couples fan.  I watched fervently as he captured his only Masters title in 1992, which says a lot, seeing as how I was only eight at the time and had the attention span of...well...an eight year old child.

Ever since then I've been a big Boom Boom fan, and would have loved to see him play well or poorly (it unfortunately ended up the latter) this morning.  Well too fucking bad.  All I get is an update every so often.  Good luck Freddy.  I'll find out next week if you win.

So here we are.  We have to watch Tiger, and only Tiger.  Unfortunately, the reason Tiger chose this tournament to return is because they have enough security to make sure we never see him play one hole of golf live.  And unfortunately they are doing just that.

ESPN's live coverage of people actually playing golf began at 3 pm CST today, which is conveniently five minutes after Tiger sank his putt on the 18th green.  The Golf Channel talked to no end about Tiger and only Tiger, but we never saw one live shot of him.  As soon as he finished a hole, we got to see highlights, but not one second beforehand.

Here's the deal, Tiger.  I hope that whenever you play your next tournament that you really hear it from the fans.  Originally, I didn't care about the whole deal and wanted you to be left alone.  But now your tinkering with the media coverage of your comeback has completely changed my mind.

The media can pretty much show only what Tiger wants, and that's absolute garbage.  He is ruining the coverage of this sport to benefit himself.  I now cannot wait to see the sign that says "Tiger returns to Zen Buddhism from Wo-men Bootyism."  Or maybe if he hits it into the woods somebody can yell "Has anybody seen Tiger's balls?  Oh yeah, most of you have," or "I hear they now have the Tiger Woods video game at Dave & Busters" (he banged a D&B hostess).  Or there's my personal favorite "'How Tiger Does It' is actually an porno novella."

Your return to the sport has become a self-created debacle, and I no longer have interest in watching.  Not even the delayed highlights.  I'm sorry Tiger, but you cannot FORCE me to feel sorry for you.  You swung your driver around wherever you pleased, and now you have to face the facts.  I hope your blue balls make you send one in the drink.

Brad Stevens' New Job?

Butler Head Coach Brad Stevens sat down for an interview with David Letterman the day after losing in the finals to Duke.  In one of the better interviews I've seen in a while, Letterman makes an unusual offer...

Leave The Madness Alone!!

For those of you who don't just aimlessly wander the ESPN family of networks in an attempt to fall asleep at night, some shocking news has come to light over the last several weeks regarding my favorite sporting event of the year, the NCAA Championship Tournament, known more affectionately as "March Madness."

It appears that there has been some discussion by the NCAA Tournament Committee and the NCAA themselves to expand the tournament field from the current 65-team format to one with 96 teams. It's a bit ridiculous, no?

I don't know if the NCAA realizes it, but the Men's Championship Tournament is the benchmark on which other championships base themselves. It is the most universally watched sporting event across the nation. There are actually doctor's offices across the nation that offer special rates for vasectomies the week that starts March Madness so that the recovery time can coincide with the first two rounds. I don't see discounts the week before the World Series. People will do anything to take part in this sacred tournament.

Filling out your bracket pool is a pastime enjoyed by men and women alike. It gives the girls a chance to top the boys when it comes to sports. To be honest, it's looking like a girl's going to win my pool. It's already so wide open everybody has a chance to watch and win.

There are a few people across the country that picked the Final Four that will compete tonight. But let's be honest: If you picked Duke, West Virginia, Michigan State, and Butler in the Final Four, you don't know shit about college basketball. That's how it works. Winning your pool consists of a varying combination of sports knowledge and luck. Anybody can do it. The current system is PERFECT.

But fuck it. It ain't broke, so let's fix it.

Attention NCAA: If there's one complaint that the general viewing public has about one of your championships, it isn't March Madness. Everybody loves it. Maybe you take a peek at that fucked BCS of yours. The BCS is broken. Fix it. Whenever people complain about the BCS, the following is almost always said: it needs to have some sort of a tournament to determine the champion, much like college basketball does.

When people complain about how terrible the BCS is, they say how much they want it to be like March Madness. So you go and do the smart thing: you change March Madness. Are you blind and stupid? A little deaf too? FIX THE BCS!!! Leave college basketball alone!!! It's not the one that needs fixing!!!

But the NCAA's main complaint about adding football games is the increased risk of injury. Well no shit, Sherlock. There's a chance you get injured in every game you play, and the more games you play, the more a chance you get injured. Will this end your season? I don't know...just ask Michigan State, who plays in tonight's Final Four after losing their scoring leader and team captain Kalin Lucas to a torn Achilles tendon in their second round game.

But since this is going to happen anyway, let's take a look at what this new life with 96 teams would be like:


When I first looked at this new bracket, I had a seizure. There is so much going on that my mind melted. Once I regained consciousness and wiped the drool from my face, I realized that I needed to make some sense of this ridiculous concoction of lines and numbers.

First, each region of the bracket now has 24 teams instead of 16. Teams ranked 9-24 play in the first round, with teams 1-8 getting a bye. When I think of the concept of a bye in a tournament, I think of the NFL, where a playoff bye is truly reserved for the elite. If the top 8 got byes, then first-round failures Notre Dame, Texas, Vandy, Clemson, and UNLV would have all gotten byes. A bye in a playoff or tournament is reserved for the elite. You don't just give it to a team because so many teams have to get one. That's like giving an Oscar to three of the five nominees.

That's actually a theme of the whole idea. When we think of "bubble teams" that are right on the brink of getting into the tournament, we talk about roughly eight of them...not 32 of them. There's no honor to making the tournament if just about everybody gets to go. If there were 96 teams this year, the bubble teams would be (according to RPI) UNC (16-16), South Carolina (15-16), Arizona (16-15), Alabama (17-15), Bradley (16-15), Georgia (14-17)...I think you get the point.

You know why these teams didn't get into the tournament this year? THEY DIDN'T DESERVE TO BE THERE!!! If you don't make it now, your coach has to be fired. They're stopping just short of letting the nation's top high school squads take place (some of them may be better than the teams getting in to a 96-team tourney). Making a 96-team tournament is like getting a participation ribbon. Good for you.

The NCAA Tournament Committee claims that the expansion is based on financial reasons. I call bullshit. You're just tired of the many complaints about bubble teams not getting in. I was right there after the SEC Tournament: How the hell does Florida get in while Mississippi State gets left out? If there are 96 teams, surely the teams being left out are so bad, they won't say anything. You know what? Let's just let everybody in. Have fun kids. Go play some basketball, and when you finish, come pick up your damn ribbon.

This Is Just The Beginning...

If I'm not mistaken, this is the first composition I've had published whatsoever in at least 18 months. Let's not forget folks...a whole hell of a lot has happened since then.

An African-American has taken the reins as Commander-In-Chief of this great nation for the first time in its history. He made his mark in history and landed in the Oval Office flying on the wings of Healthcare Reform and economy revival. But alas, he is black, and a large portion of the American public hates that. His middle name is Hussein...holy shit he's a terrorist!!

There was the hoax where some fame-seeking old woman presented a birth certificate stating Obama was actually born in Kenya, stripping him of eligibility to lead our country. Yeah...I'm sure that if that's the case, the only person who would have figured out is a Moldovan immigrant dentist from Orange County. That's the rough equivalent of a book club of retired housewives from Queens discovering the cure for cancer.

And then there was the crash heard round the world. It led to the most popular athlete in the country (if not the world), Tiger Woods, turning out to just be another athlete-sleaze with an affinity for Dave & Buster's hostesses and girls kicked off VH1's Tool Academy (that's right, Jamiee Grubbs, one of the at least 18 women who claimed to have sex with Tiger was booted off Tool Academy by her boyfriend...for his other girlfriend).











Question: Have you seen Tiger's wife(pictured above with Tiger)? Have you seen the skanks he cheated on her with ("Tool Academy" reject above left, Perkins waitress above right)? It's like Tom Brady telling Gisele, "I love you, and you're beautiful. We've got this beautiful child together, and our life is perfect. But...I heard that Courtney Love wants a piece of this, and I CAN NOT pass that up. AND I met this really nice woman named Gladys at a Denny's and she has the cutest little hairs that come out of her mole..."

Let us not forget the passing of one of the most recognizable icons the music industry has ever seen, the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. It's unfortunate that a possible misstep in pharmaceutical dispensation by Jackson's person physician may have cost us the most influential musician of my lifetime. This just goes to show us that if you take the wrong concoction of pills, people will forget that you touched kids.


Speaking of kids, one trend on the upswing over the past year or so is manipulation of one's child(ren) for monetary gain and social fame.

First we have the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado. Richard Heene called 9-1-1 with an unusual emergency: his son, Falcon, had released the ropes that held down a homemade hot-air balloon in their backyard. Unfortunately the six-year-old boy was still in the balloon while setting the contraption free.

Before I want to point out the craziness of the family's action, let me spell out their previous transgressions. First, they named their son Falcon. What the hell were they smoking? That name is a couple of mushroom trips short of Dweezil.

A few years later they appeared on the television "program" Wife Swap, a show in which mothers change places with the matriarch of another family to provide the viewer with a socio-economic experiment. Sure, when I word it like that, it sounds a bit more respectable, but keep in mind, the the show preferred such psychologically grounded characters as Marguerite "God Warrior" Perrin, seen here:

...so yeah...it's for people that are fucking crazy.

Fast forward a couple of years to October 15th, 2009. Turns out that Falcon was pulling everybody's leg, at the insistence of his psychotic father, who admittedly believes that we are direct descendants of aliens (E.T.s, not immigrants). That's right. This windbag, bursting at the seams with bat-shit craziness, released his son in a hot-air balloon he seemingly made out of some strange amalgamation of aluminum foil and psychosis. Why? All for another 15 minutes, because after all, if you don't scream about "gargyles" on Wife Swap, no one will remember you anyway.


Jon and Kate Gosselin called it quits after nearly ten years of smug-as-hell marriage. There are very few "celebrities" that give me the following feeling, but I just never want to meet those people. I don't even want to jeer them to their faces or spit on them. They are just awful and always have been in every frame I've unfortunately seen of that car wreck of a show.

Now Jon's going out clubbing dressed like a "Jersey Shore" reject, and she's milking every last bit of her 15 minutes on "Dancing With The Stars," of which she says her next performance will be a representation of the aforementioned car wreck, "Jon & Kate Plus 8". Hopefully this means a car will drive onto the set and kill her. The one thing that has become undoubtedly clear to me is that neither of these two wants those kids.


Speaking of neglecting children, let us not forget arguably the largest media whore of my absence...Nadya Suleman. You likely know her by her deservingly menacing nickname, Octomom. She has given parents across this great country of ours an example with which to teach their children: "Kids, this is what we call the grossest misuse of taxpayer dollars in the history of our country."

For those of you who missed the story, let me paint the picture. Suleman was a single, unemployed mother of six. She collected welfare, a program set up to give taxpayer-provided funds to those TRULY IN NEED.

Once she realized that welfare pays by the child, Octo-whore decided to have more children. Suleman and her former husband had some ova fertilized in a clinic through the process of in vitro fertilization, a process reserved for people that are having trouble having kids, NOT PEOPLE THAT ALREADY HAVE SIX FUCKING KIDS!!!!!

That didn't stop her. She went to the clinic and had them put all the remaining embryos back into her like she's some sort of manipulative Easy-Bake Oven. Nine months later, she's the proud mother of octuplets, bringing her grand total to 14 kids. FOURTEEN!!!

I have watched my friend's two-year-old for a full day and once it was over been left wondering what ungodly force of nature just struck me over the head with a hammer. I couldn't imagine 14 of them. This isn't some shitty Steve Martin movie. She now has 14 screaming, crying, bundles of "joy" (aka welfare add-ons) to worry about. When asked by NBC's Ann Curry in February of 2009 how she would provide for her 14 children while unemployed and collecting welfare, she stated she was leaving it up to her friends and family while she went back to school (oh yeah, she's going back for a second degree after it turned out she didn't enjoy her first...good timing, whore).

She also wanted to find another husband. Surely he could help with the kids. Unfortunately her first husband left her (very, very smart man) in 2006, so she wanted someone to love her. There is one problem...no man sleep with her. I'm sorry, but most men are scared off by women that already have a child or two. When she's got 14 of them, men run for their lives. That and sex with a woman with 14 kids is like throwing a toothpick down a tunnel.

And then there's the fact she's extremely unattractive. Her publicist must be trying to get her laid, releasing comparisons between her and sex symbol Angelina Jolie. I've provided the photos to the right and left to prove that Suleman (far left) doesn't look like Jolie (near left) nearly as much as she looks like Ugly Betty (right).

When it comes down to it, those are 14 lives that will be lived in constant neglect and unhappiness, and it's all paid for by the California taxpayers. If I were a Vegas bookmaker, I'd put the over/under of Suleman children with narcotic dependencies by age 14 at nine and the number of suicides at three. Seriously, this woman isn't just sucking from the collective teat (speaking of which, how do you breast feed octuplets?) of the California government. There is no way she can pay an acceptable amount of attention as a parent to each of her children. She has ruined 14 lives for her own social and monetary gain.

Normally I wish a very painful death upon people I carry such a distaste for, but I guess these 14 kids do need a mother, no matter how oblivious she may be to the needs of a child. I plead to her, just let them make it though their teens and then leave those kids alone. You probably leave them alone anyway. I can sleep well though, knowing that whatever missteps I have made in my personal life, I'm no Octomom, nor will I ever be.

Sure, you may feel that people have been over these topics before, but I've been keeping this pent up for far too long. I'll try to keep it in the realm of the present from here on out, gang. Stay posted, and tell your friends.