What I Learned From The 2010 World Cup

As Spain's 1-0 extra time victory over Holland brought the 2010 World Cup to a close, we should take a few moments to look back over the past month to see exactly what the latest installment of the most famous tournament in the world taught us.

GOD IS URUGUAYAN

Uruguay's quarterfinal match with Ghana ended with a little bit of controversy, to say the least.  Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez reached out to make a save on a shot from Ghana's Dominic Adiyah in the closing moments of extra time.

This controversial intentional handball has united all non-Uruguayans in one frame of mind: Screw you Uruguay.  You reached the semifinals because you cheated.

There are always whispers of countries paying off referees in the wake of this tournament because countries can't come to terms with the fact they're not the best in the world.  But there isn't any of that this year.  All we know is Uruguay cheated, and it directly led to their advancing past Ghana in the quarterfinals.  Uruguayan players and coaches are lambasting media outlets worldwide for depicting the team as cheaters.

They want to know what evidence people had to be able to make such egregious claims about the team.  Other than the photo above and the video below (I didn't pick the music):



Other than those two very telling pieces of evidence, what proof does anybody have that this team cheated?

I'll tell you what other proof we have.  Suarez himself is lauding his efforts, saying, "Now I have the Hand of God."  The Hand of God is on Uruguay's team?!?!  It is completely unfair for a team to have a divine entity illegally defending along the goal line.  If you're going up against a team of 11 men and you've got 10 men and the all-creator, you are sure as hell cheating.

VUVUZELAS BLOW.

Who knew these annoying plastic horns even had a name?  But honestly, you've got to give all the worldwide fans that showed up for this tournament with an unflappable will and seemingly endless lung capacity.  Without these fans and their very cheaply-made plastic instruments, how can I tell when the game's on?  That emphatic honk lets you know exactly who on your block is watching soccer.  Not that they're blowing one themselves.  It's just such an overwhelming noise even when the volume's turned all the way down.  And it's spreading to other parts of the world.

**CLICK HERE FOR A VUVUZELA RINGTONE**

The Florida Marlins are attempting to cash in on this annoyingly infectious craze.  They're appealing to the Hispanic population of Miami by incorporating vuvuzelas into their games.  After all, Americans aren't going to care about anything soccer-related until roughly four years from now when they do it all again in Brazil (However, with the World Cup plus shots of Brazilian beaches, it may be the highest-rated anything, ever).

Unfortunately only about 2,000 people go to each Marlins game, so there isn't much noise being made.  But I like their attempt to Americanize the art of cheering through something that was made famous in other countries first.  Let's face it: we're the laziest country in the world.  How do we make the bleacher bums lazier?  Simple.  They don't even have to exercise their minds in thinking of cut-downs or "Yo' mama" jokes to hurl at opposing players.  Just blow into the vuvuzela.  No thought necessary.

IF I FALL TO THE GROUND CLUTCHING SOME PART OF MY LEG, I WILL GET WHAT I WANT.




I guess I'll write something even though this video pretty much proves my point.  One drawback to the nearly wall-to-wall coverage of international soccer is the dramatically increased showing/viewing of dives.  It's completely disenchanting to see someone get close to someone, which apparently causes him to crumble to the ground clutching some combination of his knee/ankle/thigh/face, only to see him get up a minute later with no noticeable limp and chase the referee down the field probably yelling something like:

Hey!!  Didn't you see that?  He totally tried to kick my foot clean off my body.  What do you mean there was no contact?  Did you not see me writhing in pain on the ground for a ridiculously long amount of time?  Well that's because it hurt so much!!  Well, no, I'm fine now.

If I apply this logic to real-life situations, it could be advantageous every now and then.  For instance, if I'm walking down a downtown street in some city and some jerk bows up to me and has roughly a 50-75 pound advantage over me, I fall on the ground and throw my wallet to him in one fluid motion.  Then as I writhe in agony on the ground and he stands above me holding my wallet, the police become interested.  Thus my point is proven: if you try to punk me, you will go to jail for a few years and probably get raped.  On a related note, I don't think it's an effective move in prison.  You're quite vulnerable when dropped to the floor and clutching your ankles.


AN OCTOPUS KNOWS MORE ABOUT SPORTS THAN I DO

In case you haven't heard, Paul the Octopus has become an international sensation over the course of the World Cup tournament.  This psychic cephalopod correctly picked the winner in each of the eight games he predicted.

Beginning with Germany's group play games, Paul correctly predicted the winner of each of Germany's matches, as well as Spain's victory over Holland in the World Cup Final.  Paul proved to be unbiased through it all, correctly picking against his home team in the matches against Serbia and Spain.

Now while he may not be able to speak, Paul's blind selection of which cube from which to grab his food has come to show that he knows exactly what he's doing.  I'm beginning to think we could use this underwater seer to help solve some of our country's greatest problems.

Let's take a look at the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Set him in a tank where his choices are using the A-WHALE to skim oil from the Gulf now or to "work out the kinks while we get it to maximum operation" and other bureaucratic bullshit.  That way if he picks the latter, we can kill and eat Paul.  Unfortunately, a mixture of BP and our government have chosen the latter, and that leaves us with nobody to kill and eat to take out our frustration.

Honestly, they aren't using the A-WHALE until it's at full capacity.  Which makes complete sense because it's not at all like they can skim the oil at half capacity, figure out what can be improved while it works, and get it to full capacity.  Thus, while the kinks are being worked out, oil is still being skimmed. Not as much as possible, but it's a lot better than doing absolutely nothing.

But this may all be a moot point, seeing as how if Paul the Octopus were born in the wild, the oil spill would likely have killed him by now.



SOCCER IS OLD SCHOOL


Who needs instant replay?

Surely not the British, whose second goal in their round-of-sixteen match (above) was disallowed because the ball didn't cross the goal line.  However, almost every available camera angle clearly shows the ball crossing the goal line and then bouncing back into play.  It wasn't one of those situations where we debate if the ball made it all the way across the line or if it was still touching the goal line.  The ball cleared the line by several inches, but was not considered a goal.

People argue that the goal would have been inconsequential as the final score was 4-1 in favor of ze Germans.  While usually a pretty straightforward and correct point of view, that is not the case here.  If the goal had been allowed, the match would have been tied at two-all.  The two German goals came at the hand of their remarkably strong counter-attack unit.  But keep in mind, if the score's tied at two, England isn't desperately sending eight men into the offensive half, leaving them more susceptible to a counter-attack than Lindsay Lohan in court (Sorry, but despite O.J.'s murder trial, "I'm a famous person" is not an acceptable defense.  Now you're gonna be somebody's bitch.).

But when it comes down to it, Britain's complete lack of interest in our Gulf Coast and what they've done to it makes it so fitting that they were screwed out of the World Cup.

But look at all the offside missed calls.  The U.S. team had two goals disallowed because they had a man in an offside position.  The only problem: no camera angle showed anybody anywhere near being off sides.  It wasn't even close.  Actually, in the match against Slovenia, the referee didn't say what he was calling.  He never said (even after the match) what foul he called on the U.S.  All I know is that a whistle was blown and the referee decided we weren't allowed to score anymore.

Apparently FIFA took note of these instances and told the referees to be a bit more lax about calling offsides.




He's not just offside.  Tevez is damn near standing on the keeper with nobody else within several yards of him.  There is arguably no more definitive a case of offsides than this one.

But FIFA stands by their men.  They don't need the technology that can tell us precisely what happened so they can be sure they're making the right call.  It's coming down to a case of, "He looked offside," or "I didn't see it cross the goal line." 

And another thing: the referees chosen for the World Cup, like the nations, are the best in the world at what they do.  If that's the case then I don't want to see who didn't make it.  Apparently people worldwide train to be referees when being an assistant crack whore doesn't work out (guys can be crack whores too).

At least the guy who officiated the France/Ireland qualifier.

The game-winning goal came from French striker Thierry Henry after he expertly trapped a pass...with his hand.  As you can see, it's not like his hand was down at his side and took a weird bounce and hit it.  The ball was illegally knocked from in front of his body to the ground (unintentional or not doesn't matter).  The resulting goal granted France a spot in the World Cup, where they lost twice and finished last in their group.  It's hard to say anybody can do worse than that, and the Irish (who should have been there instead) are certainly no exception.

The technology is there.  Even though it isn't the case in this country, other countries' economies live and die completely depending on this game.  You have to make sure you get it right when you're on this grand of a stage, and you're getting everything so very wrong.


So that pretty much covers it.  Thank you World Cup for helping me forget that the Gulf Coast is becoming a big ol' pool of oil.  Now America will forget about you until four years from now in Brazil (World Cup plus those Brazilian beach bodies? Yes please).  Just when you come back, please leave those fucking vuvuzelas behind.