I Tried To Watch The Masters...

But I failed miserably.

Apparently The Masters is an event that I am just not meant to see.  I tried everything.  I went to ESPN, who has been pumping the hell out of the fact they've got live coverage of the first two rounds of the tournament.

What they have is Sportscenter.  They have a graphic in the top right corner that tells you Tiger's score.  And that's it.  We get to listen to Andy North tell us he couldn't ever stay focused while playing for more than four hours (I'm actually not being facetious...he really talked about that).

And then I remember that The Golf Channel exists.  I flip through the guide and see that "Live From The Masters" is on.  Hell yes.  I've found it.  Now I can watch the tournament.

Oh wait, it's just a group of people talking at The Masters.  Granted, it's not false advertising.  It is a television set with three people live at The Masters, but they're just sitting there talking.  Screw you Golf Channel.

I'm not going to lie: a big part of why I'm tuning in to The Masters is because I want to see how Tiger plays upon his return from his vow of chastity.  But the coverage doesn't have to be completely about him.

Tour veterans Fred Couples and Tom Watson found themselves in first and second, respectively, after the first round.  I am a huge Freddy "Boom Boom" Couples fan.  I watched fervently as he captured his only Masters title in 1992, which says a lot, seeing as how I was only eight at the time and had the attention span of...well...an eight year old child.

Ever since then I've been a big Boom Boom fan, and would have loved to see him play well or poorly (it unfortunately ended up the latter) this morning.  Well too fucking bad.  All I get is an update every so often.  Good luck Freddy.  I'll find out next week if you win.

So here we are.  We have to watch Tiger, and only Tiger.  Unfortunately, the reason Tiger chose this tournament to return is because they have enough security to make sure we never see him play one hole of golf live.  And unfortunately they are doing just that.

ESPN's live coverage of people actually playing golf began at 3 pm CST today, which is conveniently five minutes after Tiger sank his putt on the 18th green.  The Golf Channel talked to no end about Tiger and only Tiger, but we never saw one live shot of him.  As soon as he finished a hole, we got to see highlights, but not one second beforehand.

Here's the deal, Tiger.  I hope that whenever you play your next tournament that you really hear it from the fans.  Originally, I didn't care about the whole deal and wanted you to be left alone.  But now your tinkering with the media coverage of your comeback has completely changed my mind.

The media can pretty much show only what Tiger wants, and that's absolute garbage.  He is ruining the coverage of this sport to benefit himself.  I now cannot wait to see the sign that says "Tiger returns to Zen Buddhism from Wo-men Bootyism."  Or maybe if he hits it into the woods somebody can yell "Has anybody seen Tiger's balls?  Oh yeah, most of you have," or "I hear they now have the Tiger Woods video game at Dave & Busters" (he banged a D&B hostess).  Or there's my personal favorite "'How Tiger Does It' is actually an porno novella."

Your return to the sport has become a self-created debacle, and I no longer have interest in watching.  Not even the delayed highlights.  I'm sorry Tiger, but you cannot FORCE me to feel sorry for you.  You swung your driver around wherever you pleased, and now you have to face the facts.  I hope your blue balls make you send one in the drink.