This Is Just The Beginning...

If I'm not mistaken, this is the first composition I've had published whatsoever in at least 18 months. Let's not forget folks...a whole hell of a lot has happened since then.

An African-American has taken the reins as Commander-In-Chief of this great nation for the first time in its history. He made his mark in history and landed in the Oval Office flying on the wings of Healthcare Reform and economy revival. But alas, he is black, and a large portion of the American public hates that. His middle name is Hussein...holy shit he's a terrorist!!

There was the hoax where some fame-seeking old woman presented a birth certificate stating Obama was actually born in Kenya, stripping him of eligibility to lead our country. Yeah...I'm sure that if that's the case, the only person who would have figured out is a Moldovan immigrant dentist from Orange County. That's the rough equivalent of a book club of retired housewives from Queens discovering the cure for cancer.

And then there was the crash heard round the world. It led to the most popular athlete in the country (if not the world), Tiger Woods, turning out to just be another athlete-sleaze with an affinity for Dave & Buster's hostesses and girls kicked off VH1's Tool Academy (that's right, Jamiee Grubbs, one of the at least 18 women who claimed to have sex with Tiger was booted off Tool Academy by her boyfriend...for his other girlfriend).











Question: Have you seen Tiger's wife(pictured above with Tiger)? Have you seen the skanks he cheated on her with ("Tool Academy" reject above left, Perkins waitress above right)? It's like Tom Brady telling Gisele, "I love you, and you're beautiful. We've got this beautiful child together, and our life is perfect. But...I heard that Courtney Love wants a piece of this, and I CAN NOT pass that up. AND I met this really nice woman named Gladys at a Denny's and she has the cutest little hairs that come out of her mole..."

Let us not forget the passing of one of the most recognizable icons the music industry has ever seen, the King of Pop himself, Michael Jackson. It's unfortunate that a possible misstep in pharmaceutical dispensation by Jackson's person physician may have cost us the most influential musician of my lifetime. This just goes to show us that if you take the wrong concoction of pills, people will forget that you touched kids.


Speaking of kids, one trend on the upswing over the past year or so is manipulation of one's child(ren) for monetary gain and social fame.

First we have the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado. Richard Heene called 9-1-1 with an unusual emergency: his son, Falcon, had released the ropes that held down a homemade hot-air balloon in their backyard. Unfortunately the six-year-old boy was still in the balloon while setting the contraption free.

Before I want to point out the craziness of the family's action, let me spell out their previous transgressions. First, they named their son Falcon. What the hell were they smoking? That name is a couple of mushroom trips short of Dweezil.

A few years later they appeared on the television "program" Wife Swap, a show in which mothers change places with the matriarch of another family to provide the viewer with a socio-economic experiment. Sure, when I word it like that, it sounds a bit more respectable, but keep in mind, the the show preferred such psychologically grounded characters as Marguerite "God Warrior" Perrin, seen here:

...so yeah...it's for people that are fucking crazy.

Fast forward a couple of years to October 15th, 2009. Turns out that Falcon was pulling everybody's leg, at the insistence of his psychotic father, who admittedly believes that we are direct descendants of aliens (E.T.s, not immigrants). That's right. This windbag, bursting at the seams with bat-shit craziness, released his son in a hot-air balloon he seemingly made out of some strange amalgamation of aluminum foil and psychosis. Why? All for another 15 minutes, because after all, if you don't scream about "gargyles" on Wife Swap, no one will remember you anyway.


Jon and Kate Gosselin called it quits after nearly ten years of smug-as-hell marriage. There are very few "celebrities" that give me the following feeling, but I just never want to meet those people. I don't even want to jeer them to their faces or spit on them. They are just awful and always have been in every frame I've unfortunately seen of that car wreck of a show.

Now Jon's going out clubbing dressed like a "Jersey Shore" reject, and she's milking every last bit of her 15 minutes on "Dancing With The Stars," of which she says her next performance will be a representation of the aforementioned car wreck, "Jon & Kate Plus 8". Hopefully this means a car will drive onto the set and kill her. The one thing that has become undoubtedly clear to me is that neither of these two wants those kids.


Speaking of neglecting children, let us not forget arguably the largest media whore of my absence...Nadya Suleman. You likely know her by her deservingly menacing nickname, Octomom. She has given parents across this great country of ours an example with which to teach their children: "Kids, this is what we call the grossest misuse of taxpayer dollars in the history of our country."

For those of you who missed the story, let me paint the picture. Suleman was a single, unemployed mother of six. She collected welfare, a program set up to give taxpayer-provided funds to those TRULY IN NEED.

Once she realized that welfare pays by the child, Octo-whore decided to have more children. Suleman and her former husband had some ova fertilized in a clinic through the process of in vitro fertilization, a process reserved for people that are having trouble having kids, NOT PEOPLE THAT ALREADY HAVE SIX FUCKING KIDS!!!!!

That didn't stop her. She went to the clinic and had them put all the remaining embryos back into her like she's some sort of manipulative Easy-Bake Oven. Nine months later, she's the proud mother of octuplets, bringing her grand total to 14 kids. FOURTEEN!!!

I have watched my friend's two-year-old for a full day and once it was over been left wondering what ungodly force of nature just struck me over the head with a hammer. I couldn't imagine 14 of them. This isn't some shitty Steve Martin movie. She now has 14 screaming, crying, bundles of "joy" (aka welfare add-ons) to worry about. When asked by NBC's Ann Curry in February of 2009 how she would provide for her 14 children while unemployed and collecting welfare, she stated she was leaving it up to her friends and family while she went back to school (oh yeah, she's going back for a second degree after it turned out she didn't enjoy her first...good timing, whore).

She also wanted to find another husband. Surely he could help with the kids. Unfortunately her first husband left her (very, very smart man) in 2006, so she wanted someone to love her. There is one problem...no man sleep with her. I'm sorry, but most men are scared off by women that already have a child or two. When she's got 14 of them, men run for their lives. That and sex with a woman with 14 kids is like throwing a toothpick down a tunnel.

And then there's the fact she's extremely unattractive. Her publicist must be trying to get her laid, releasing comparisons between her and sex symbol Angelina Jolie. I've provided the photos to the right and left to prove that Suleman (far left) doesn't look like Jolie (near left) nearly as much as she looks like Ugly Betty (right).

When it comes down to it, those are 14 lives that will be lived in constant neglect and unhappiness, and it's all paid for by the California taxpayers. If I were a Vegas bookmaker, I'd put the over/under of Suleman children with narcotic dependencies by age 14 at nine and the number of suicides at three. Seriously, this woman isn't just sucking from the collective teat (speaking of which, how do you breast feed octuplets?) of the California government. There is no way she can pay an acceptable amount of attention as a parent to each of her children. She has ruined 14 lives for her own social and monetary gain.

Normally I wish a very painful death upon people I carry such a distaste for, but I guess these 14 kids do need a mother, no matter how oblivious she may be to the needs of a child. I plead to her, just let them make it though their teens and then leave those kids alone. You probably leave them alone anyway. I can sleep well though, knowing that whatever missteps I have made in my personal life, I'm no Octomom, nor will I ever be.

Sure, you may feel that people have been over these topics before, but I've been keeping this pent up for far too long. I'll try to keep it in the realm of the present from here on out, gang. Stay posted, and tell your friends.