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Believe it or not, since my last posting British Petroleum has continued its "Stop yelling at us. You're being mean." campaign. They continue to apologize and...well...that's actually all they're doing. Apparently someone told these limeys that apologizing rids the world of its problems. Just apologize and AIDS goes away.
The one thing they've pledged to do (which President Obama is also making them do...) is pay out all the claims filed by the millions of people who will be affected by this spill if they haven't been already. They've even set aside $20 billion for this fund.
However, somehow this money isn't getting paid. Only 12% of of the claims have been honored. Honestly, paying claims is the only thing they're doing. They aren't fixing anything else. They are doing one thing, and one thing only. And they're doing a piss-poor job of it at that. Think of a pitcher in baseball. His job is to get people out. It's the one thing he's supposed to do. If he only gets 12% of the people he faces out, he wouldn't even be sent down to the minors. He'd be stripped nude, pelted with four-seam fastballs, and made a mockery of in the local town square.
How do these people still get away with all of this? British Petroleum continues to make a mockery of this clean-up effort. So the U.S. Congress decided to step in. All of the higher-ups at British Petroleum were called before a Congressional hearing, with the show being headlined by none other British Petroleum's resident Satanist, Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward (above)(don't know that he is a practicing Satanist, but there is definitely something very Satan-ish about him, and there's only one letter separating Satanish and Satanist).
The session kicked off with some of the lesser important British Petroleum suits coming forward to state exactly what we figured: They have no idea what's going on. However, they did manage to drop one "highlight" during the proceedings. In a press conference following the hearing, British Petroleum Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg gave a half-assed apology, saying he felt sorry for us, "the small people." It reminds me of an apology I've seen somewhere before...
Honestly, are you apologizing for having more money than most of us? "I'm sorry you all don't have butlers that handle things like this for you." It's not like only poor people are affected by this. Anybody involved in any way with the Gulf Coast is severely screwed, from the "small people" to the morbidly obese.
You want to issue apologies like this? Here's one for you, Svanberg(above)...I'm sorry no woman could ever love you because you look like the bad guy from every bad action movie ever. I fully expect you to be holding a cat and within arm's reach of a monocle at all times. I'm sorry your wife divorced your soulless ass last fall (somebody did a little homework!!). Too mean? Nah, ruining an entire coastline then calling the inhabitants of the area insignificant is mean. Why don't you shoot their dog while you're at it, you asshole.
Honestly, after you made the statement, reporters asked you to elaborate an what exactly you were saying, yet you refused. You weren't there to answer any questions. You were just there to read some prearranged, yet poorly-written statement doctored to be some sort of joke to you.
If this is how this stuff's gonna fly, surely CEO Tony Hayward will show up with some fireworks. He got up in front of that committee and was rightfully grilled and berated. I've never been more proud to be an American than when I watched you get your ass handed to you by our "big people." Granted, I doubt you feel the sting of any of these harsh comments through that thick devil skin of yours.
Actually it is hard to tell whether or not these claims, allegations, and insults affected you or not, because "no comment" doesn't tell us anything. You went before Congress and didn't answer a damn thing.
Seeing as how your only answer to any question relating to the spill in the Gulf Coast that YOU caused is some variation of "no comment," I'm going to conduct my very own interview with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward right here and now.
*Disclaimer (if anyone actually reads this blog) - The following interview is NOT with actual British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward, only an imaginary entity which I base solely and completely on Hayward.*
Me: Thank you for taking time out of your busy day filled with appointments set for clubbing baby seals. I know that can be exhausting.
Hayward: You have no idea.
Me: You recently came under fire before Congress.
Hayward: Ah yes. A bunch of crotchety old farts if you ask me.
Me: I did not ask. You came under fire because of the lack of response shown by British Petroleum in the wake of an underwater explosion caused by the company.
Hayward: I'm not entirely sure what you're speaking of.
Me: I'm referring to the Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig that exploded off the coast of Louisiana, which is here in the United States, due to the fact you overlooked a blowout preventer that needed repair.
Hayward: I believe you're making this up.
Me: This explosion has caused over one million gallons of crude oil to spill into the Gulf Coast every day for nearly two months.
Hayward: That sounds like a lot. Let me check with my people.
Me: Through your complete lack of concern over this situation and the fact that you are f-ing ALWAYS smirking, I'm led to believe that you are in some part, if not fully the devil.
Hayward: I plead the fifth.
The thing is, in all of that "fake" interview, I only wrote one untruthful thing...there are two million gallons of crude leaking into the Gulf every day, not one million. And note my choice wording there. It's not, "There are now two million..."
That's because ever since day one, two million gallons of crude oil have been leaking into the Gulf. And according to published insider reports from British Petroleum, they've known that from the very beginning, particularly back in April, when they told us that their early numbers (which, as I just said, showed that two million gallons a day are leaking) said that roughly 200,000 gallons a day were leaking.
When do we get to hold them responsible in court for being criminally negligent? Seriously.
And then British Petroleum executives decided to release a statement criticizing American journalists of "unfair criticism" between the Gulf Coast disaster and the Exxon-Valdez oil spill. For the first (and probably last) time ever, I completely and wholeheartedly agree with British Petroleum. It is completely unfair to compare the two events.
The Exxon-Valdez spill pales in comparison to the atrocity taking place right now. 11 million gallons of oil made its way into the Alaskan Gulf as a result of the Exxon-Valdez disaster. It took British Petroleum less than a week to pass that. Over 100 million gallons of crude oil have spilled to date, and the spill is expected to continue for another month and a half at the very least.
So you are right. It's a completely unfair comparison, and Exxon does not deserve that kind of disrespect.
But back to Hayward. I work at a news station, and when I heard that our top story one recent afternoon was a shake-up at the top of British Petroleum, I was ecstatic. Finally, something will get done. This company realized how terrible a job this buffoon was doing and got rid of him. Well done. I'll even call you BP now that your moves are becoming slightly convenient.
Unfortunately that couldn't be further from the truth. Hayward apparently went through his Congressional hearing and realized, "Hmmm...getting yelled at for everything I've done wrong is really hard. I don't want to do this anymore." So he stepped down as Director of Disaster Relief and had someone else come in and start taking the blame for what Hayward's been doing (seen below).
You know what? Fine. Get Hayward as far as possible from this whole situation. He obviously has no idea what to do with this whole spill situation. So send him on back to Britain to look over flow charts or business models, or whatever it is that got you where you are.
But that's what would make sense, so naturally Hayward gets as far away from that as possible. He hurried home to see how his beloved Bob is doing. However, Bob is not Tony Hayward's son. Nor is it his nephew, grandson, other relative, or pet.
Bob is Tony Hayward's yacht. Hayward left his post as British Petroleum's coordinator of relief efforts so he could get home to watch his beloved yacht in a race.
Again I ask, when do we get to hold them responsible for being criminally negligent?
Seriously, Hayward, what the hell is going through that awkwardly small head of yours? This is the biggest middle finger you could have ever thrown our way. You leave behind the largest environmental disaster in our country's history, WHICH YOU CAUSED, to go home and see a yacht race in a circle around the Isle of Wight.
Let's list the many reasons this is so terribly f-ed up. First off, there is no more elitist activity than yachting...well okay, maybe hunting people for game is. But other than that, there is no event where you will see more noses in the air. The so-called "little people," as your evil Chairman so eloquently put it, are struggling to put their lives back together. But you've got to get to a yachting race. "I can't be bothered by these poor people. I want to watch my multi-million piece of fiberglass race in a circle."
Which brings me to my second point: why a sailing race? Were the tickets sold out for the paint-drying competition? The particular race Hayward returned to the motherland to watch is one in which the yachts have to circumnavigate the roughly 57 miles of shoreline of the Isle of Wight. Let's compare this to the American equivalent of racing, NASCAR. This yacht race is almost exactly like NASCAR...a handful of left turns, and viola!! A champion is crowned. So I guess yachting is exactly like NASCAR...except nobody crashes, and the yachts are moving about 160 mph slower. I'm pretty sure those are the biggest selling points of NASCAR. I don't know. I try not to ask myself obvious things.
This brings me to my next point...you wanted to get back for this race, because you wanted to see how Bob performs on the open seas against other rich-as-hell people's boats. What exactly do you take away from a yachting race by seeing it in person? You could have probably gotten it on TV wherever you were staying. You're the CEO of British Petroleum. You make bank. I'm willing to bet that you could afford to have the Isle of Wight moved to the Gulf Coast so you could watch the race here...if you could ever actually accomplish anything you set out to do.
What is there to gain from seeing this race in person? You want to see how she moves on the open water? You literally have an entire crew working on the boat throughout the race. Ask one of them. If they keep losing to the same yacht, buy out the crew from that yacht. It's that simple. It's not like horse racing where you need to see the horse to see if the horse's pedigree has related to dominance on the track.
You all have an absolute TON of money and want to buy the fastest (most expensive) yacht available. I'm willing to bet that it's the same yacht that each one of you are using. If you keep losing, fire your crew. It's called managing a situation. Unfortunately for you, Wikipedia doesn't define what that means, so it'll never get through that stubborn tiny head of yours.
Naturally, everybody became upset at Hayward over his decision to walk away from one of the worst environmental disasters ever. Honestly, he was there to do the job and just walked away to ride around in a yacht. It makes Bush's handling of Katrina seem like forgetting to pay a parking ticket. After listening to criticism, Hayward made a statement where he claimed, "I want my life back."
Really?
REALLY?!?!?
REALLY?!?!?!?!
Guess what, you pompous douchebag: I can think of 16,000 jobless Gulf Coast residents who would like their lives back too. I can think of thousands of businesses that will lose a combined $1.15 billion (best-case scenario; according to thehill.com) as a direct result of your oil spill that would like their lives back. The previous figure of 16,000 jobless Gulf residents can't even take into account just yet how many thousand people that will lose jobs because of restaurants and stores going out of business. This the kind of event that can cripple entire cities financially, and you want your life back?
HONESTLY, WHEN DO WE GET TO HOLD THEM LEGALLY LIABLE FOR CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE?!?!?!?!
Do they actually have to shoot a fisherman with a harpoon gun to be brought up on charges? If so, I can doctor up a crime scene. I've seen my fair share of CSI: episodes, even a harpoon gun one. Let's get these heartless bastards rightfully brought up on the charges of blatant and outright criminal negligence.
There's one way to try to hit these scrotums where it hurts them the most...the World Cup pitch. However, it's not up to us, like it was in my last posting. That is, unless you know a Slovenian. In which case, embrace him or her. Tell them how much this game means to you.
Now I do very much want the U.S.A. to advance with a win over Algeria tomorrow. But it's gotten to the point where I want Wayne Rooney (above...and on top) and England to fail more, because this is EVERYTHING to them. Honestly, please pray to whatever entity you hold dearest to you, be it God, Mohammed, alcohol, or Jeebus, that Slovenia defeats England tomorrow, because that officially knocks them from the World Cup, which would be catastrophic for them...
Sort of like how an oil spill is catastrophic to our Gulf Coast.
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